Wanted: McHammond (Hammy) Paulk, aka "Attack Squirrel"
Earlier today, the state bureau of investigation named McHammond Paulk to its Most Wanted List. Paulk is referred to in the wilds of Limestone County as Hammy or, as he likes to be called, the Attack Squirrel.
According to reports from Limestone County authorities, deputies had Hammy cornered in his Piney Chapel Road residence yesterday, but a well-meaning, PETA-leaning officer not too accidentally looked the other way as Hammy vamoosed into the nearby woods.
As you can see from the above mug shot, the North America red squirrel has a record that involves methamphetamine, Kit Kat Bars, and other hard drugs. He also has an affectation for Mt. Dew cans, often mimicking his action hero, the original Hammy from Over the Hedge.
Several Athens State University students have reported seeing Hammy rummaging through library trash for the soda cans in a desperate attempt for a quick high. One told us, "It's going to be tough catching the little guy. Sorry, but they all look alike to us, and there must be about a million of them on campus. Two weeks ago I saw one of them openly doing a sugar bump in the local history room. They're pretty bold around here."
Reports of ASU sightings or not, a video of Mickey Paulk and a squirrel he identified as Hammy appeared earlier today on Facebook. Both Paulks openly bragged of their current freedom, and Mickey called Hammy a "real bada$$." The video was too dark for authorities to positively ID the squirrel as Hammy, but admit it's possible.
McHammond Paulk is reported to be approximately two years old, nine inches long, and weighing just over one pound. His weight is in dispute due to his alleged meth use, and he may be much smaller. Besides Mt. Dew cans, his trademark is a spot-on Steve Carell impersonation. If you think you see Hammy, do not approach, but call authorities immediately. Whatever you do, do not offer the furry felon any Mt. Dew...